Diary of a Gangsta #2

2.4.2008

10.00 PM

Wat tha wiggaz? The New York Giants beat tha New England Patriots In Supa Bizzowl XLII. Seriously yo, what tha wiggaz? I made a poser that If tha Patriots lost, me n mah gang would have ta go out witout our boxaz, which will show our biatches If you know wat I'm hatin' n shit. We're not rapping small, but big and cant no hood with death row. Our bona would totally be seen. Dem ain't trippin. So we went ta tha store ta buy some more bread. And guess what? Instead of dem white kids we met some azn kids . Death row 187 4 life. And they cracked a joke bout mah bonah, rhymin' baller I had a Wii. I said yes n they laughed. Those crackheezees thought It was funny ta add a Wii n a ner which Is Playa. Dem azn kids think its funny ta say wiena? Suck retards biatches and cant no hood with death row. It ain't funny ta say hustla in tha dogg pound. If dem azn's said penors I would understand. But nay, dem crackerz get jizzy and horny over Pokeman especially Pikachu, them yellow biatches like a motha sucka. Them azn kids would like see'n Pokeman pr0n. Sick bastards . Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. Pokemon ain't hatin' , betta check yo self. Digimon Is, you dig crackheezees? Dem azn kids tizzy left. Me n mah gang went motherf'n shizzle. Slap your mutha f'n self. It was dark so we couldn't see that clearly wit da big Bo$$ Dogg. We managed ta catch up ta dem azn people ta help you tap dat ass. It was then I realised that I was actually naked on mah bed wit a bona, jus' chill'in. Them azn kids be nigg menz. Even though dem azn is azn. Fho Shizzle.





Made ya look biscuitheads.

Call Of Duty 4

Developer: Infinity Ward
Publisher: Activision
Release Date: 6 November 2007
Series: Call Of Duty

















I don't really play First Person Shooter games, but when a FPS game that meets the requirements of my PC Is released and the game has gotten very positive reviews, I will buy that game. In this case, Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Though It came out about two months ago, theres no question about the quality of this masterpiece of a game. Sure "It's just a game man, get a life and go out or something" , and that's when all you skeptics are so very wrong.

I have mentioned COD 4 to a few people, and they said what? "Wtf is COD 4?" I mean, Is It so hard to get some recognition over a well made videogame? Only true videogame players will know what Is COD4 and how awesome It really Is. Seriously the game Is like an epic win for Infinity Ward. All the major review sites gave this game at least a 9.0/10, 90%/100% and a 5/5. I've never really played the Call Of Duty franchise cause I never really had the PC that Is required, but now I do. The previous COD's were In World War II but In COD 4, as you might have guessed from the title, It's set In modern times. The present.

I've played the Singleplayer Campaign finished and I have to say, the story/plot Is better than most RPG's (Role Playing Game) which are games with strong storylines. You play as two people, Sergeant Soap Mactavish and Sergeant Paul Jackson. Soap's from the British SAS (Special Air Service) while Jackson's from the USMC (United States Marine Corps). You also get to play a gunship pilot but the main characters are Soap and Jackson. There's this Middle Eastern dude named Al-Asad and this Russian guy named Imran Zakhaev. These two baddies are the main villains In the game. More like 40% Al-Asad and 60% Zakhaev. You'll know why when you play the game.

Altogether there's three arcs. And each arc has like 4-5 missions. But you'll start at the Prologue where Soap Is first Introduced and stuff. Each mission Is absolutely smesifying. Intense action, Intuitive controls, real life physics and most Importantly, the arsenal. You've got your AK 47's, Modified AK 47's, RPD's, M21's, M4A1's, G3's, Dragunov's, C4's, Flash bangs, Grenade Launchers and so much more. You'll find even more weapons In Multiplayer. So what do you get from COD 4?

Excellent gameplay+ Beautiful Graphics+ Intuitive Controls+ Intense Action+ Wide selection of artillery= Teh Awesomeness.

How awesome? So awesome that you'll cream your pants every time you play the game. And you would have to change your pants every hour for your pants are so creamed they melt thus leaving your bottom half nude.

Anyways, to express this pants creaming experience, I'll show screenshots, and lots of them.



































Ohp ohp ohp 22 SAS Regiment.





































Ohp ohp ohp Ship leaking.





































Ohp ohp ohp shadows.























































Ohp ohp ohp Mushroom Cloud.



















Ohp ohp ohp Wanker...


















Ohp ohp ohp Trample'd.



















Ohp ohp ohp Trashhead



















Ohp ohp ohp arm fly off.



















Ohp ohp ohp headshot.



















Ohp ohp ohp Nuclear Warhead.



















Ohp ohp ohp Liar liar leg on fire.



















Ohp ohp ohp liar liar leg get tire'd



















Ohp ohp ohp C4





































Ohp ohp ohp Explosion.

Band Names

There are a lot of strange band names that have already weird'd me out. I mean, It's not like Its that hard to name a band/music group or something right? Totally wrong man. It's a wonder how some band names exist. You just need like a word to three words to create one. Simplicity Is the key. Bands with more than three words In their name have the risk of sounding bad or good. So It's probably better to stick with simple words. So let us start with weird/bad band names now shall we?. The band's music Is not necessarily weird/bad, but the name sure Is. Trust me on this.

Okay here goes.

Weird/ Bad Band Names.

1. Butthole Surfers (Bad)












Seriously? That's the best they could think of?

Band Member 1 : Hmm... what should we name our band?
Band Member 2 : I don't know.
Band Member 1 : Hey, why not we name our band the Surfers? Eh?
Band Member 2 : Nah, sounds too cheap. Why not... the Butthole Surfers? Since we love
surfing and enjoy looking at butts with their holes, I mean why not?
Band Member 1 : Genius, pure genius.

I'm sure that's how they got the name.


2. Test Icicles (Bad+Weird)













Test + Icicles = Testicicles. Testicicles sound like testicles.

Imagine someone saying testicles Instead of "Test Icicles"

"Hey Joe, wanna go to the Testicles, In concert? I've got two tickets"
"Testicles? Porno? I'M SO IN"
"Uh, no the band, Testicles"
"Your balls play music?"
"Ah never mind"

Smart.


3. Meat Loaf (Weird)














Alright Meat Loaf Isn't really a band but a guy. But a musician nonetheless.

Real Name: Marvin Lee Aday
Date of Birth: September 27, 1947
Occupation: Singer, lead singer of The Neverland Express
Favourite Food: Presumably meatloaf.

It'll be Ironic If he hates meatloaf or something.


4. Mando Diao (Really Weird)













Strangely, this rock band Is from Sweden. The name sounds like It was done by some 12 year old Malaysian kid. It sounds like mandul diao. Sure mandul diao doesn't sound that weird unless you're a Malaysian like me. People here speak as If their language was jumbled pieces of crap which Is using the three main languages here, Malay + Chinese + English. So therefore...

Mandul (Malay) - Infertile
Diao (Chinese slang) - Semexual Intercouse

Infertile Smex. How sweet would that be?

That's what you get for being Swedish.


5. Def Leppard (Weird+Bad)












Deaf Leopard. Nuff Said.

Why would you name your band Deaf Leopard and spell It as Def Leppard? Doesn't make sense. If you want It to be Deaf Leopard, then name It Deaf Leopard, not Def Leppard. Really people back then had bad taste In band naming. Freaks from the 80's with their mullets and guitar breaking and such. But yeah, though their name reeks of failure, their music Is pretty good.

But yeah It's better than the Butthole Surfers so they're not the worst In band naming.

Butthole Surfers, seriously why?

3rd January 2008

Yesterday,

School started for me and may I say that It Is certainly unflattering. You ask why? Well I had to sit with Wilson ' gay whore' Phua on my very first day. Oh but why did you seat with him If you don't like him? Three words. No.more.seats. I came at like 6.30 AM and there were only four vacant seats. Screw those people who came at like 5 something to sit at the middle. Yeah screw you people with a screw not just any screw, but a rusty one. That's right. Then you're jaws will get locked because you have lock jaw.

Well If you don't know who Wilson Is, I will gladly describe him for you. Picture a boy. A boy who Is of moderate height, who's hair Is better shaved off because of his terrible always gel'd hair and looks just gagging because It looks wet all the time and wet hair really Isn't nice unless you have rabies or something. Wilson has a distinct personality as he complains about girls not socialising with him even when they approach to him. Why? Apparently he's afraid of making any contact with the female gender. And he complains that the girls hate him and stuff when he himself Is a pen0r brain. Also, he also likes to act like he's all that and pose when no one Is looking at him. So basically Wilson Is an arsehole. Nuff said.

Moving on, when I first came to my class, I noticed one thing. I noticed that the majority of the girls who had their hair changed, well they all didn't work. Most of them at least. Here's an Illustration depicting the monstrosity. Not every girl had the same hair but a few did so yeah.




















Seriously, It just doesn't work. Girls, If anyone of you have the same hair as depicted In the picture and happen to read this entry, change your hair. It's for the better. But this only Implies to lower standard looking girls which Is exactly what my class Is made from. Not all, just a handful. Maybe a bunch, okay a lot of them. I'm not sexist or anything, most unfortunately It's factual. I can't be blamed for anything. It's just how It Is.

But yeah, besides the fact that Wilson Is sitting beside me and the failed whacked out hair dos', my first day went well. I met up with my comrades, shared weenerific experiences, embraced some stupidity and some other stuff. I just hope someone moves Into my class and kicks Wilson outta his seat and peace shall be restored.


(Oh and the people who stole my seat early In the morning, yeah you girls have no weeners, not to mention nice hair. Lastly for those people who despise me for Insulting other peoples' hair, well sue me If you're able to or maybe call the fashion police or something. So yeah, try.)

Jinglebells

Christmas's here and as a fellow Christian, I will be celebrating the occasion. That means going to church and stuff. I never really had a very special Christmas. It feels just like any other day. You know why? Cause every Christmas Eve I have to go to church and eat my Christmas Dinner, no turkey, no potatoes and most of all no pie. Which really doesn't bring out the full joy of Christmas. During Christmas Day, I go to church service In the morning. And them come back home to do whatever I'm doing regularly. Maybe opening a present or so but after that I'll be doing my regular stuff. It's not that bad actually, but I would like to celebrate Christmas like they do on tv you know. So to do this, I will celebrate my e-Christmas with this post!





How will I do It? BY POSTING MY EXCELLENT CHRISTMAS BANNER DONE BY MYSELF OF COURSE!



















BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS CHEER!

But yeah, have a very Merrying Christmas and a decent New Year. Oh, and feel free to compliment me on my amazingly amazing Christmas banner. . Till then, Happy Holidays and have a good time during Boxing Day which Is tomorrow, December the 26th.

Diary of a Gangsta #1

12.4.2007

9.30 AM

Today, me n mah gang wizzet up ta tha hood ta git some bread, when we saw some dem white kids buy'n bread. Dem kids were gang bangin' me off. They were In front of us at tha counta. We had ta wait fo` dem white kids ta pay up. One minute passed dem bitch ass nigg@z. I was dippin' Impatient ya dig?. The bread was gettin' stale. I was gett'n hungry fo' sho. Mah crew had ta go ta tha toilet so I was alone with dem SNOOPz. An old lady bumpe'd Inta me n said sorry. I neva felt so Insulted In mah entire life. A minute n a halfz passed in all flavas. I was at boil'n point. Those white kids were still pay'n fo` dem white breadz in tha hood. I gots wholemeal. The shot calla took too long. So, I grabbed tizzle white kids' white bread n ran out of them doors spittin' that real shizit. I called out mah gangstas n left. mah crew ran as hard as our legs shizzled . Listen to how a motherf'er flow shizit. Then we realized we ran at tha opposite direction n we gizzled at tha same store. Dem white kids left so we payed fo`our loaf. I couldn't believe tat tha wholemeal was so expensive fo gettin yo pimp on. I was outraged, ya'll biscuitheads. I tore out tha packag'n n ate tha bread In front of tha playa. Then I spat It out. Finally I ran out again, now to anotha bakery opposite tha shop but dem real nigg@z don't give an f. Who knows what bread them bakaz have there?em white kids don't know whizzay they're up against.






Made ya look, biscuitheads.

Discovery!

I post In the IGN boards you see. While I was posting on one of them, " teh Vestibule ", which Is like Kopitiam If you post In Lowyat, I stumbled upon one particular thread/topic. Well the title seemed Interesting enough so I clicked on It. Man, did I laugh. The guy posted twisted yet funny pictures like they would be In a comic strip and stuff. You gotta know the terms and get the humor In the pictures to be ale to laugh at It. So yeah, let me present you, coloringbookland. Don't get me wrong though, It's just my nature to laugh at such things. Sure, It may be kinda sick and twisted but It certainly wont traumatise some of you In any way.

So here goes, these pictures are extremely wrong, sick and twisted, and unfortunately, I laughed so click at your own risk.

























I bet he's one of Santa's disciples.























That would be a shock. It would certainly be awkward seeing her/him In the nude.























Jerry Is such a pervert. Just a cheap way to show off his weener.























Never give a kid a baseball bat, and avoid teaching him about bad religion.






















How Insensitive. I bet he's black.























So Insulting, yet so true.























I understood the joke here but I can't help but to feel Insulted. Go figure.



Theres like way more in their archives. I don't feel like posting others cause well, the language used In the pictures are quite vulgar and It would certainly shatter my blog's clean Image.

Remember, spam Is delicious.

Today...

... Is November the 5th. What occasion It might be? Guy Fawkes Night of course. You know, In V For Vendetta, If you've watched It, you may remember this line... "Remember remember the 5th of November" and stuff which was actually a rhyme which V recited In the movie. Today they make bonfires and play with fireworks to remember Guy Fawkes.

















I bet he enjoyed looking at weeners.





























BOOBS! (not really)




























It's not my fault most Asian females aren't well endowed. Nothing personal though. Just speaking the truth here.

inb4flameage

Pedophile (Noun) - A person who Is smexually attracted to youths, especially when you're a
fat guy with a long beard.

Santa Claus, jolly old man? or silent child predator? a friendly elderly? or a friendly elderly in the wrong ways? These are the questions that run through my brain whenever I think about Old Santy. At first you know, I didn't really care, but I couldn't help but to think about the pedophilia that Santa has committed. Why I call him a pedo you ask?

You may know Santa Claus for being this fat old guy who happens to share the spirit of Christmas by giving gifts to those who were nice the whole year round. He lives In the North Pole and has a sledge with reindeers becoming the muscle behind the contraption. Santa Claus keeps a list of those who were naughty and nice, climbing down chimneys to put presents under the Christmas Trees or maybe even In stockings that were hung on the fireplace. Every year he does this during the night of Christmas Eve. Children will praise Santa for his generosity even though they've never seen a sight of him before. Traditionally, Santa Claus Is recognized as the source of presents to young children. But does Santa Claus really give upon his own free will, or Is It the other way round?

Santa's North Pole
Why Is that Santa Claus resides at the Northern Poles of the earth. Why not America? Brazil? perhaps Mexico even, where sunshine Is about everywhere. Why the North Pole? It's like such a remote place, Isolated from everything else beside Ice, snow, polar bears, Eskimos, you get the idea. Wait do Eskimos even live In the North/South Pole? I wonder. Perhaps Greenland, yeah there. But anyways, Is It that Santa Claus lures children to this region of coldness for his own purposes? Think about It. He has a "workshop" which produces "toys" In the North Pole. i believe Santa keeps the children In giant skin sacks, acting like he's putting toys Inside when actually he's stuffing 3 year olds' Into his bag of pedophilia. Since his home Is so far away from civilization there would be no way anyone would know about Santa's kidnappings of all children to be his "slaves" for his guilty pleasure. Such a dirty tactic, no wonder you're bloated.

Santa's List
Next, why do you think he keeps a certain "list" of children who are naughty or nice? Is It his list on who to target next? I bet he checks this "list" everyday and observes the so called "nice" kids. Do the nice kids satisfy him In some way? If you know what I mean. Just one kid wouldn't be enough so you had to get groups of hundreds of kids to calm you down? Why do you think so many people have AIDS, HIV and STD's each year. It's because of Santa! The man Is twisted and sick In unthinkable ways.

Santa's arrival
Why does Santa only arrive at night? Why not In the broad daylight when everyone can see you? Why coming down through the chimney? Why not just use the front door? Landing your sleigh on the roofs of residential houses Is already considered a violation of privacy. Sneaking In? Now that's just low, real low. In exchange for the gifts Santa touches the children while they're sound asleep. So that's probably why kids who stay up through the night do not get presents as Santa doesn't get a chance to touch them because they're not sleeping thus causing him to not touch them cause If he does touch them while they're awake, he will be Identified as a pedo.

Santa's Activities With Kids
Why do you think every year, fake pretend Santa's sit In a chair and let every kid "ride" on his lap and tell him their wishes? Why do you think he does this. It's to show he's attraction to children of course. Why can't the children just stand and whisper their wishes to Santa. But they have to sit on his lap, for a least five minutes just to let him know about It. It may seem that the fake pretend Santa's are just normal people, but the truth Is, whenever the red suit, the long beard, the stuffed stomach Is put together, the Spirit of Mr. Claus controls them, just to feel pleasure over prepubescent youths.

So please, now that you know the truth behind this sadistic old man, consider whether you should convince little children whether the existence of Santa Is real or not. You'll never know.

That's why Santa gets the "Pedo Bear Seal Of Approval".



















(MEXPO Is actually the Mexican Peanut Organization. Don't listen to the crap that Daryl has said)

101: Retards

101, your guide to almost everything. Today's will be on Retard 101. This guide will teach you the basics, the techniques and the pure sense of retardism for you to be able to embrace. Scenarios will also be Included In the guide, to teach you, yes you the reader on what to do when you face these real life situations which you need to face. Well then, with that aside, let us begin!










The Basics.
Introductory
To be a retard, you must act like one. In order to do that, self confidence and self esteem must be present. The feeling of fear and worry must vanquish as these acts of retardism needs a lot of courage to perform. Before any act of retardsim is carried out, one must be sure that his/her act will be considered retarded. If he/she Is not sure, the plan will backfire, causing he/she's act to be normal. Now, what you want Is to be calm, pressure free and most Importantly relaxed. Every move Is like a stage play, If one thing goes wrong, the whole play will be screwed like a bag of broken peanuts.

The Look Of A Retard
























The common retard.

Notice that the hair Is properly maintained. Now what you want for your hair Is a clean cut. Hair care products may be used but water will just do fine. No spikes, no emo, no long hair. A moderately short length Is recommended as things might get messy If you have long hair. Your Ideal pose would be to support your chin using your fingers. Eyebrows at just the right height and lips locked, without showing any emotion whatsoever. Your look must be plain. Show that you have no Intentions of doing anything. If you have any queries about the looks, just follow the hair above and the facial expression and I'll guarantee It will work.

Steps Of Acts.
These steps will help to construct your moves systematically. Every move must be orchestrated properly so that everything moves In order. Each step Is like a lion hunting Its prey. Pounce too fast, It will run away. Pounce too slow, It will also run away. pounce at the right moment, and you'll be having a feast.

Step 1- Wait for your victim.
Step 2- Pretend your doing something which Is nothing abnormal.
Step 3- Focus on the victim.
Step 4- Wait for the perfect chance.
Step 5- When the time comes, get ready to attack.
Step 6- Attack with all your might.
Step 7- Feel the sensation of accomplishment.

But these steps are only Implied when being retarded among people. Steps for just being retarded are as follows.

Step 1- Decide on what you are doing.
Step 2- Just do It.
Step 3- Feel the sensation of accomplishment.

Short and simple.

Scenarios
Now, these happenings may occur anytime, anywhere. These scenarios will explain the right way to handle the situation like a retard. These scenarios will teach you what's right and what's not to do when you face the It.

#1. You are sitting at the side of your classroom. There are curtains located just beside you.
Strong winds blow, causing the curtains to elevate and rise over your head. What do you do?

Right
Go under the curtains and smell It. Pretend that the curtains are skirt/dresses and
what you are smelling Is his/her undergarments. Continue doing this till there Is no more breeze and the curtains stop flying.

Wrong
Take the curtains and tie It so that It will not go wild.

#2. You woke late for school. You are In a rush. You are exactly 15 minutes from being punished for being late. To make things worse, you have not prepared anything for your oral presentation later and you are still In your pajamas and have yet to put on your uniform. What do you do?

Right
Purposely forget to wear anything and go to school naked. Bring everything except clothes. Shoes and socks may be brought. Using this method, you save time from having to change and you can get everyone's attention during your presentation. What do you get? Ad ouble whammy of course. An A+ Is also guarenteed. Be careful though as nudity will cause some of your peers to touch you.

Wrong
You get up off your bed and quickly change to your school attire. Then you hurry go to school with your clothes on, hoping you're not late.

#3. You meet a girl you like. You ask her out. She says yes. It's a date for you and your crush. You bring her out for dinner. She likes you a lot. You share the same Interests and want to get together. After the dinner, you bring her back home. She's about to leave, what do you do?

Right
Call her to come to you. Hug her, and tell her that you think she's tasty. Express your delight In slicing and deep frying her parts and eating them with condiments such as tartar sauce or mayonnaise. If she slaps you or kicks your crotch, you have succeeded.

Wrong
Tell her that you had a great time. Hug her and hope that you will get a goodnight kiss.

#4. You are In your teachers house to be tutored. Your bladder Is urging you to go to the toilet. You ask where Is the toilet. Your teacher brings you there. When you are about to use the toilet, you notice a wet brassiere In the sink. You are fascinated. What do you do?

Right
Without any hesitation, go snatch the bra and touch It. The moist nature of the bra causes you to feel tingly. Slowly bring the bra close to your nose and sniff It. When the teacher asks what's taking you so long In the toilet, you just say you're just unclogging the toilet. When you go back home, call everyone you know about what you did and wait to receive your flaming In school.

Wrong
You continue using the toilet without even thinking of touching the bra. You leave It where It should be.

#5. It Is Art Class. You are assigned to draw a portrait of a famous historical figure. You are almost finished drawing but you have to pass It up In about 30 seconds. You have yet to draw the nose and the head. What do you do?

Right
In that 30 seconds, push out your courage as you will need It. Keep your cool and hold firmly to your pencil/pen. In a few strokes, substitute your nose and head with a couple of pen0rs. Once you're done, pass It up face down. When your teacher scolds and reports you for being horny, tell him/her that his/her mom Is gay.

Wrong
Improvise and draw a half decent nose and draw a hat to cover the figure's head.

Congratulations!
If you have followed the guide properly, you have just become a qualified retard! You have now become one of the outcasts of society! 101 wishes you the best of luck with your new profound knowledge In everyday life.

That concludes Retard 101. Come back In the future for another 101.