The Basics.
Introductory
To be a retard, you must act like one. In order to do that, self confidence and self esteem must be present. The feeling of fear and worry must vanquish as these acts of retardism needs a lot of courage to perform. Before any act of retardsim is carried out, one must be sure that his/her act will be considered retarded. If he/she Is not sure, the plan will backfire, causing he/she's act to be normal. Now, what you want Is to be calm, pressure free and most Importantly relaxed. Every move Is like a stage play, If one thing goes wrong, the whole play will be screwed like a bag of broken peanuts.
The Look Of A Retard
The common retard.
Notice that the hair Is properly maintained. Now what you want for your hair Is a clean cut. Hair care products may be used but water will just do fine. No spikes, no emo, no long hair. A moderately short length Is recommended as things might get messy If you have long hair. Your Ideal pose would be to support your chin using your fingers. Eyebrows at just the right height and lips locked, without showing any emotion whatsoever. Your look must be plain. Show that you have no Intentions of doing anything. If you have any queries about the looks, just follow the hair above and the facial expression and I'll guarantee It will work.
Steps Of Acts.
These steps will help to construct your moves systematically. Every move must be orchestrated properly so that everything moves In order. Each step Is like a lion hunting Its prey. Pounce too fast, It will run away. Pounce too slow, It will also run away. pounce at the right moment, and you'll be having a feast.
Step 1- Wait for your victim.
Step 2- Pretend your doing something which Is nothing abnormal.
Step 3- Focus on the victim.
Step 4- Wait for the perfect chance.
Step 5- When the time comes, get ready to attack.
Step 6- Attack with all your might.
Step 7- Feel the sensation of accomplishment.
But these steps are only Implied when being retarded among people. Steps for just being retarded are as follows.
Step 1- Decide on what you are doing.
Step 2- Just do It.
Step 3- Feel the sensation of accomplishment.
Short and simple.
Scenarios
Now, these happenings may occur anytime, anywhere. These scenarios will explain the right way to handle the situation like a retard. These scenarios will teach you what's right and what's not to do when you face the It.
#1. You are sitting at the side of your classroom. There are curtains located just beside you.
Strong winds blow, causing the curtains to elevate and rise over your head. What do you do?
Right
Go under the curtains and smell It. Pretend that the curtains are skirt/dresses and
what you are smelling Is his/her undergarments. Continue doing this till there Is no more breeze and the curtains stop flying.
Wrong
Take the curtains and tie It so that It will not go wild.
#2. You woke late for school. You are In a rush. You are exactly 15 minutes from being punished for being late. To make things worse, you have not prepared anything for your oral presentation later and you are still In your pajamas and have yet to put on your uniform. What do you do?
Right
Purposely forget to wear anything and go to school naked. Bring everything except clothes. Shoes and socks may be brought. Using this method, you save time from having to change and you can get everyone's attention during your presentation. What do you get? Ad ouble whammy of course. An A+ Is also guarenteed. Be careful though as nudity will cause some of your peers to touch you.
Wrong
You get up off your bed and quickly change to your school attire. Then you hurry go to school with your clothes on, hoping you're not late.
#3. You meet a girl you like. You ask her out. She says yes. It's a date for you and your crush. You bring her out for dinner. She likes you a lot. You share the same Interests and want to get together. After the dinner, you bring her back home. She's about to leave, what do you do?
Right
Call her to come to you. Hug her, and tell her that you think she's tasty. Express your delight In slicing and deep frying her parts and eating them with condiments such as tartar sauce or mayonnaise. If she slaps you or kicks your crotch, you have succeeded.
Wrong
Tell her that you had a great time. Hug her and hope that you will get a goodnight kiss.
#4. You are In your teachers house to be tutored. Your bladder Is urging you to go to the toilet. You ask where Is the toilet. Your teacher brings you there. When you are about to use the toilet, you notice a wet brassiere In the sink. You are fascinated. What do you do?
Right
Without any hesitation, go snatch the bra and touch It. The moist nature of the bra causes you to feel tingly. Slowly bring the bra close to your nose and sniff It. When the teacher asks what's taking you so long In the toilet, you just say you're just unclogging the toilet. When you go back home, call everyone you know about what you did and wait to receive your flaming In school.
Wrong
You continue using the toilet without even thinking of touching the bra. You leave It where It should be.
#5. It Is Art Class. You are assigned to draw a portrait of a famous historical figure. You are almost finished drawing but you have to pass It up In about 30 seconds. You have yet to draw the nose and the head. What do you do?
Right
In that 30 seconds, push out your courage as you will need It. Keep your cool and hold firmly to your pencil/pen. In a few strokes, substitute your nose and head with a couple of pen0rs. Once you're done, pass It up face down. When your teacher scolds and reports you for being horny, tell him/her that his/her mom Is gay.
Wrong
Improvise and draw a half decent nose and draw a hat to cover the figure's head.
Congratulations!
If you have followed the guide properly, you have just become a qualified retard! You have now become one of the outcasts of society! 101 wishes you the best of luck with your new profound knowledge In everyday life.
That concludes Retard 101. Come back In the future for another 101.
